It was bound to catch up with me.
It's usually somewhere around the first or second week of December that it starts to creep in...that sinking, paralyzing cloak that slowly shoulders its way in and nestles itself around me and renders me helpless beneath it.
This year, with baby Hazelnut's first holiday season and Pinutile's first holiday season at school, we seemed to be busier than ever. It wasn't too much, it was actually just right. Just the right amount of plans, of decorating, of holiday spirit and celebration.
I remember taking a few deep breaths in the days before Christmas, thinking 'wow, it didn't get me this year.' I was just enjoying the season through the eyes of my little ones. I'm grateful for them, beyond words.
Christmas came, and then the flu set in. The Hubs had it the week before Christmas, then I had it the week after. It was like a time warp. When I emerged from it, the tree had been stripped and tossed out the back door, most of the holiday decorations had been put away for the year, and Hubs and Ponygirl were wide eyed and giddy from living off of chocolate and donuts for a week.
Slowly, we have gotten back into the swing of things. Ponygirl has started back at school, Hubs has gone back to work, Hazelnut and I have quiet and calm mornings three days a week again.
But here I sit, in this familiar place. I spent years in this dark space, alone and sad and unable to see beyond it.
Yes, it's hard. I have a to-do list that needs to be tackled. I've got two awesome little girls that need their mama. I've got the Hubs who does a lot to help me keep the house running.
I guess the difference now is just that I know it won't last forever. I'm feeling so low, I may not get a lot done today or tomorrow or all month really, but, as it always does, this darkness will pass.
As much as I just want to snuggle up under this warm blanket and just hibernate through the winter, I've got two precious babes who need me. I need them, too.
Here's to sunny days ahead! xxoo
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